Let’s get in our sharing circle, shall we? We’ve all been through a lot. Let’s hold hands and talk about it. We’ve been lied to. Cheated. Hurt. Abused. Maybe we didn’t even like Melissa because she was kind of vanilla and maybe not the most clever girl–but at the end of the day–thanks to ABC–we’re all Melissa, aren’t we? But, friends, together, we can get through this. Let’s jump for the most dramatic–and by most dramatic, I mean most misogynistic–Bachelor ever.
We start at the beach. Have I missed some sort of product placement? Everyone gets whiter teeth as the season progresses. Anyway, Jason comes running into frame with a football. Melissa runs toward him. They meet, hug, and Melissa pulls her signature move–she throws leg wraps her legs around Jason. Jason says that he has been wanting to introduce Melissa to Ty ever since the night they creepily spied on him while he slept. He talks about how awesome she is with children, even commenting, “She was unbelievable with her friends’ kids.” Okay, Jason is a father. He saw her with some kids for a few minutes and that, coupled with a confession that she’d like to one day become a teacher, makes her ready to be a step-mom? Even Ty deserves better.
Anyway, Melissa is super excited. She wonders aloud, “Can we get along as a family?” I mean, it’s really no wonder that I drink. Anyway, they hit the mini golf course and Melissa asks Ty, “Tell me which hole I’m going for.” And Ty replies, “That’s what I was going to ask you.” And he high-fives his dad. Okay, not really. Instead, Melissa tells Ty some knock-knock jokes, watches him deface the golf course, lets him win a race, and then pretends to be delighted when Jason arrives with a sheep. You know. It’s what families do.
So, then it’s time to meet Jason’s kin. This is where I really started to feel sorry for Melissa. His family is giving her a hard time because her parents don’t want to appear on this game show. That’s normal. His family has seen Jason get burned on national television, and they’re more than happy to catch a plane to New Zealand to be a part of the sideshow. That’s not normal. Anyway, she’s quick to confess her love for Jason and she asks a series of questions that make me seriously question her maturity. “Am I scared to move to Seattle? No. Am I scared to become a step-mom? No.” Umm…these are both scary things. And she also says, “After meeting with Ty today, I really feel like we could possibly be a little family.” And no one starts laughing. And I think this is the thing that made me saddest: “The main thing that I love about Jason that I love is that he just accepts me.” Honey, get some self esteem. You used to be a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader, for God’s sake. Here’s what you should be saying, “The main thing that I love about Jason is that he gets what a superstar I am, showers me in Coors Lights, and laughs at my stupid jokes.” Or whatever.
Question: Why does Jason touch their faces so much when he kisses them?
So Molly flies a kite, rolls around with Ty and Jason, gets subjected to some of Jason’s brother’s bad grammar (“So what is your weekends like?”), and talks about how tired she is of the rat race. “The past few years I’ve been really focused on my career. ..I’ve been there done that. I know that what I really want is a family,” she says. She is 24.
Let’s talk a bit about Melissa’s phone call to her parents, shall we? They clearly didn’t even know where she was. I talk to my mom every single day–and I’m not saying that’s not maybe excessive–but come on. You’re going to New Zealand, and you’re not going to shoot your folks an email? Just in case?
So, Melissa and Molly get their final chance to beg for Jason’s love and acceptance. Melissa showcases her tramp stamp on a yacht, and Molly breaks out the oils and the erotic massage. I think this is called “foreshadowing.” Oh. And Molly has a scrapbook for him. The whole Madonna/rhymes with bore thing. You get the idea.
Deanna. Why are you even here? Do you need air time? Are you pregnant? How come your clothes didn’t fit? What is the deal with this show? Between Jason’s tiny suits and Deanna’s too-large suit, I urge any of you with styling experience to contact ABC stat.
So, Molly gets the boot, and she seems genuinely surprised. I was sad that she cried in the car because I, like her father, fear emotion on any level, but I got it. She dug him. Jason is an ugly crier. And he cries a lot. Except when he should cry. But we’ll get to that soon enough. So, Melissa “wins.” Woman-hater Jason says, “She makes me feel like she really and truly needs me.” Really? She seems like she’s maybe fragile? Might need a strong man in her life? She’s possibly looking for a new family because she doesn’t have a tight relationship with her own? You know what you should do, Jason? Dump her on television. Tell her that things are different now that you’ve moved back to your crappy Seattle apartment and there are no cameras, no helicopters, and no BMW SUVs. And you should tell her about the girl you’d like to see instead.
Chris claims that Melissa knew how it was all going to go down. I don’t care. She’s either a brilliant actress or she was really hurt. Wasn’t it so great that she got angry? And why did she give the ring back? I would have kept that sucker, hocked it, bought a suit for Jason, and sent him a note saying “You are not the size you think you are.” And then I would take myself on vacation. Anywhere but New Zealand.
And Molly. Molly, you poor, dumb, young girl. Here’s what you should have done: You should have looked Jason in the eye, and you should have laughed and laughed. And then you should have walked off the set and given Melissa a hug. You should have jumped in her limo, and headed for The Old Monk (or whatever the LA equivalent is) and bought her beers and listened to her complain about how troubled Ty is and what a bad kisser Jason is. You should have wiped her tears and told her that she can do better–you both can. Because that’s what decent, grown-up women (who are ready to have families) do.
Molly, I hope that someone does that for you when he dumps you.